every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
