I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
