Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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