I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
