Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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