so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
