I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
