So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
