And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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