he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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