I bet he comes in French.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
