I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am full of burrito and curiosity
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Someone came in the potted fern
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
