i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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