oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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