I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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