Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
