Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
