The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
