I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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