My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
