I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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