Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
