What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
