I'd wear matching sweaters with you
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
