I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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