you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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