u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i've created a new STD.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
