i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
