how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
