If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
