whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm passing your future prison.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
