in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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