the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
