I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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