it wasn't lemon gatorade
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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