guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
