Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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