I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
