There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
