Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
