i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
