Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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