They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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