When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
