Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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