trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
