I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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