I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
