Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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