One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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