he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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