I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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