the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
